I am not a pervert: Official

Yes, all the rest of you out there are questionable, but I have written proof from Grampian Police that I’m not a freak, weirdo, criminal, deviant, or a danger to small furry mammals. So in your face RRFFF!

It’s all down to this workshop I’ve agreed to do in Fyvie Castle — as there will be school childers present the Council sent me a ‘Disclosure Scotland’ form where they ask for every place you lived since the dawn of time, inside leg measurement and how much they’d have to pay you to sleep with Gloria Hunniford. Apparently that last bit is sponsored by Mz Hunniford herself: well, it’s always nice to be proactive.

It’s weird to have the police go digging through your past — what if they find out about that incident back in Primary Two? The one involving marigold rubber gloves and a raffia donkey? You know: the one we promised never to talk about again?

But it’s nice to know I’m safe to leave your valuables, children, wives and girlfriends with. Especially your girlfriends. As long as they do heavy lifting and the odd spot of gardening.

5 Responses to “I am not a pervert: Official”

  1. Dearie me you silly beared scot, you got a clean bill of health to be with CHILDREN, girlfriends and wives, in fact women over 21 in general is a different matter.

  2. Since you are now offically safe to leave children with…

    Can I drop the kids off this afternoon, say for the next 15 years?

    Jolly good. I’ll make sure they pack teddy and a spare pair of socks

  3. Well Kev, we do have a large garden that needs weeding and there’s always dusting and ironing to be done. And think of all the money I could make selling identical, pretty 18-year-olds on eBay!

    OK, so they’ll have to live in the garden shed on a diet of spaghetti hoops, spiders and stale lentils till then, but it sounds like a plan to me!


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