“What’s this?” I hear you ponder in the darkest recesses of your delicious brain*,
Well, obviously I wouldn’t want him eating the underwear I’m wearing: that would just be a bit rude, wouldn’t it? Bad enough someone coming to visit the house and helping themselves to the biscuits… But, yes, anyway, the reason I make faux-mockery noises in Mr Scorsese’s direction is that I too am now an international film making guru man!
Oh yes, you might laugh now, but while you sit there with Buckfast dribbling out of your nose, I’ve made my YouTube directorial debut:
And I have to admit that I’m pretty damn chuffed with it. Amazing what you can do with a few mates, a wee story in the Evening Express, and a budget the size of a hamster’s tadger. But there we have it – the official book trailer for DARK BLOOD.
A lot of people helped a hell of a lot — he said, going into full on Oscars mode — and I have to draw special attention to Alex (assistant director, cameraman, and half-naked dude), John (who let us film heaps of things in his house, and helped me build the caravan), Lorna (who gives the best blood spatters in the business), She Who Must Be Mentioned (who even made the sandwiches**), Xavier (Sledgehammers R’ Us), Ubby and Dave (typecast as thugs), Danny (bitten on the arse by a bloody big dog, in the line of duty), Julie (gun-wielding maniac), Christopher (who got beaten up and helped with the music) and Everyone who came along on the Saturday to Victoria park to shout and wave placards. But most importantly to Lee, who played the part of Richard Knox – remember, he’s not a pervert, he’s a bookseller***.
Next we’ll have to work on a ‘making of’, stuck together from all the out-takes and bits we couldn’t get into the trailer. A director’s commentary’s going to be a bit hard to do though. At eighty seconds long, there’d be just enough time to go, “Hello, my name is … and this is the special extras for … Oh, it’s finished.”
And now, I suppose, I should get my finger out and some actual writing for a change.
* Yes, it’s time to get the Bacofoil out and patch that fetching hat of yours again, the thinks are leaking out. Incidentally, I use the word ‘delicious’ because for some reason I’ve become a bit obsessed with the term, ‘Zombie Apocalypse’ of late. The really weird thing is that I only watched Zombieland on Wednesday night and I’ve been using it to describe pretty much everything for weeks and weeks. She Who Must Sit In The Passenger Seat And Listen To Her Husband Ranting On And On About The Cognitive Abilities (And Questionable Sexual Relationships With Farmyard Animals) Of All The Other Motorists is becoming a bit fed up of me pointing to late night pedestrians and shouting, “Look, ZOMBIES!!!” All I can say is that everyone should have a hobby. Incidentally, I really enjoyed Zombieland – very funny and well put together, if partially spoiled by the Bill Murray bit, which was a bit too predictable and self-indulgent for my tastes… Anyway, what was I talking about?
** Well, I say ‘made’, but I mean ‘went to Markies for’, but she did it without complaint, and even bought everyone chocolate biscuits. What more could you ask for?
*** And I know in some cases the terms can be synonymous, but he’s a nice guy in real life when he’s not being screamed at by angry mobs. In fact, he’s the assistant manager at Waterstone’s Langstane branch in Aberdeen!