Out and about.

You know, something that really disappointed me about Canada was the complete lack of anyone saying, “Oot and aboot.”* Nor did anyone have big flappy heads and tiny beady eyes. Apparently — and you may want to hold on to your underpants here — South Park has been lying to us.

Luckily we have a way to make up for this crushing oot-and-aboot-related disappointment by transferring ourselves from Canadian Canada to Aberdonian Aberdeen! Where, if you know where to hang out and don’t mind getting your wellies dirty, you’ll find loads of people who’ll say it for you in a thick Doric accent. “Aye, we’re ga’n oot an’ aboot the fields i’ day.”

Only it won’t be the fields we’ll be oot-and-abooting! No, we’ll be oot-and-abooting in Aberdeen. On the 25th of November, I, and some of the finest minds British Journalism has to offer accompanied by a forensics genius and a certain quantity of Isle of Jura Whisky (that quantity being ‘quite a lot’ if I’ve got anything to do with it) are going to do a wee tour of some Aberdeen’s best places to kill people and/or dump the bodies.

And if you — gentle sexy reader — fancy joining us, you can! Yes, those lovely people at Isle of Jura are having a competition where one lucky person can clamber on board the Crime-Fiction-Mystery-Mobile** for an afternoon of Aberdeen, fictional murder scenes, and whisky tastings! Mmm, whisky…

What do you have to do, to win this fine prize not available in the shops? Well, according to the website:

“To win a coveted place on the tour, all you need to do is email us at info@isleofjura.com with your synopsis for a crime story based on the Isle of Jura. You’ll need to be a registered Diurach as well, so please remember to include your Diurach number as proof. (You’ll find it on your Diurach certificate, which can be found, by clicking on ‘Become a Diurach’). Your entry should be no more than 100 words long.”

There are, of course, terms and conditions (something about signing over the soul of your firstborn and agreeing to have my likeness tattooed somewhere about your person***) and you can find them all here. Prize includes the tour, a whisky tasting, dinner, a night in a hotel, breakfast , and maybe a couple of books as well. Oh, it’s like Christmas came a month early, only without the family arguments and falling asleep in front of the telly.****

Oot and aboot!

* I also couldn’t find anyone who could say, “Soldering aluminium tubes to put herbs such as oregano in.” But that’s a story for another time.
** Which is a fancy way of saying ‘minibus’.
*** Or I might have just imagined that bit. But you could still do it if you liked. I mean, who wouldn’t want to have a wee Stuart discreetly tattooed on their hidden areas?
**** Unless you really want to.

6 Responses to “Out and about.”

  1. Finally! Thank you for updating, and please update more often. How did your Canadian tour go? Can you tell us something about your upcoming book? Or the next Logan McRae?

  2. A friend of mine once had a terrible accident with a band saw which led to almost being able to imitate a South Park Canadian: Aside from that, hope the rest of the country wasn’t that disappointing. We do beer, mosquitos and political correctness quite nicely here

  3. You Canadian cats need to chill. Americans don’t believe erytevhing they see on television. That’s a stereotype about Americans (!), Mr. Righteous. ^Scottish people don’t often utter hoot the noo , but I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if I haven’t heard about a million people say it while impersonating a Scot. Scots don’t get all bent when you poke fun at them, though. To infer that all Americans are puerile, impressionable fools who believe erytevhing they might see or hear on television, is far more injurious than Americans jokingly saying aboot to mimic a Canadian accent. Canadian television probably abounds in what Canadians would not even notice as false Americanisms. I was recently watching a Canadian public service announcement, depicting a 19th-century Mountie arresting an American for crossing the border and claiming land. The American was depicted as a drunken, illiterate brute who was threatening the Mountie with a pistol. Now, I laughed and laughed and laughed, but I’ve gotta admit, this was pretty over-the-top. I know the PSA was meant to cast pride and glory on the time-honoured institution of the RCMP, but I’ve seldom seen such stereotyping outside of 1950s westerns. And this PSA was less than 10 years old!Just once, I want people to realize that American film/television does not even depict Americans correctly. Can you understand that? Stop watching T.V. and pick up a book. BTW, Don’t y’all have spell-check in Canada? -Scott Fullerton, Los Angeles, California USA


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