About – STUART MACBRIDE

A bit about stuart

Stuart MacBride is the Sunday Times No.1 bestselling author of the Logan McRae and Ash Henderson novels. He’s also published standalones, novellas, and short stories, as well as a slightly twisted children’s picture book for slightly twisted children. Stuart lives in the northeast of Scotland with his wife Fiona, cats Gherkin, Onion and Beetroot, some hens, some horses, and an impressive collection of assorted weeds.

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Glossary of Scottish Words

Bap

a soft bread roll (not to be confused with a Glasgow roll, a softie, or a butterie)

Butterie

see Rowie

Buttie

anything between two slices of bread, or more commonly in a bap. Chips are a traditional Scottish favourite, as is bacon, fried eggs (making it a ‘booby-traped buttie’), fish fingers, or if you want your taste buds to experience true delight and joy: a hot steak pie. Trust me, you’ll love it. One thing though: ALWAYS butter both sides.

Braw

good, as in, “Oh aye, that’s a braw wee cat!”

Chunter

to drone on in a monotonous fashion. Let’s face it, we’ve all been in meeting where some neep’s just chuntered away for ages till everyone’s falling asleep.

Clarted

covered/smeared/befilthed as in, “Oooh, he fell right into the septic tank, and now he’s all clarted with sharn…”

Cloot

cloth, sometimes handkerchief: “I’m that hungry, I could eat a scabby dog through a snotty cloot.”

Doric

the local dialect of the north east of Scotland. If you want to really get a feel for it, go buy something by some of its finest exponents, Scotland The What.

Fighting Suit

a suit that you can wear and not worry about if you get into a fight. A suit that’s not expensive, but hard-wearing and preferably machine washable. If you’re in CID, you need a good fighting suit.

Fish Supper

not as you might expect, a late meal involving fish (though it can be) this is what we call ‘fish and chips’ up here in God’s country. Anything with chips, bought from a chip shop is a supper: mealie pudding supper, mock-chop supper, salad supper… And when we say ‘fish’ we mean haddock. None of your cod here, thank you very much. And the coating should be thin and crispy, not so thick you can use it to batter someone to death with it (ooh, look: a pun!)

Mealie Pudding

a wee sausage made with oatmeal, onions, and some other stuff you probably shouldn’t ask too much about.

Piece

like a buttie, but usually with a cold filling as in ‘a jammy piece’ (a jam sandwich).

Rowie

the Scottish answer to the Croissant, only with lard and loads of salt. Looks like a small golden cowpat, lasts longer in your cupboard than a Twinkie, and will survive the apocalypse. Lovely toasted with a slather of butter.

Sharny

Dirty/shitty as in ‘sharny dubs’ (shitty mud) or “kiss my sharny arse”.

Shoogle

to move something back and forth, as in, “Will you stop shoogling about in your seat? You look like you’ve got an itchy bumhole!”

Spaver

the zip on one’s trousers. “Aye, aye, George, you’ve left your spaver down and the Pope’s sticking his head out.”

Teuchter

someone from the countryside. It used to mean someone who worked on the land, but now anyone who’s not a townie can be pointed at and called one. And I say that as someone who is now officially teuchterised

Stuart’s Cats

Gherkin

Gherkin is a prolific mouser and devourer of rabbits. He’s spent years perfecting one of the loudest purrs known to man and is a complete tart on any given occasion. Unless you’re carrying a box or a bag, in which case it’s PANIC STATIONS!!! He likes to fall over, right in front of your feet, because he thinks it would be funny if you tripped over him.

Gherkin lives in the Adventure Room, and the Bothy window – where he likes to keep an eye on the hens in case they get up to anything.

onion

Onion Pickle Pie Kitten MacBride, AKA: Onion Boo, AKA: Onion Bunion Bumhead Boy, AKA: The Feline Wheelie Bin, is both a champagne tabby cat and card-carrying mummy’s boy. His favourite food is … food, and his serene expression may be down to having been discovered in the middle of the road, as a kitten, with blood coming out of his front end and poop coming out of the other.

Onion lives in a permanent state of anxiety that there will be a global food shortage at any moment.

beetroot

Beetroot – or to use her formal name: Beetroot Monster Kitten Of Darkness MacBride – is most definitely just a teeny black cat. She is in no way, shape, or form a master spy, working for the Secret Intelligence Service, and anyone who tells you otherwise is both unpatriotic and a liar. Beetroot has never overthrown a foreign government and does not own explosive cufflinks or a pen that turns into a deadly laser. Her catchphrase is ‘Grrr, grrr, grrr!’

Beetroot lives in an undisclosed location that bears no resemblance whatsoever to the Batcave. Nor is it full of deadly gadgets. SHE’S NOT A SPY!